I know about how to shut my mouth for a years. I know how to quiet even there’s a pain inside me. I know how to cry even i’m a man. It just to relief me from being so sad. It’s normal rather than keeping it inside and turn my self into psychotic murderer. I don’t need to say a name while sad. I don’t need to call for help while sad. I don’t need to, i don’t need to.
As yesterday, out of sudden a tears streaming down my cheeks. I don’t know why, but my heart beating fast than before. But i’m not running. “Why?” I ask my self. There’s a face moving inside my head. The face that i missed alot beside my mum and my daughter. I’m broken and i’m drowning in my old memories. I know the person might be happy now. I know the person might not thinking of me. I know the person might not looking at my photos inside her laptop anymore. Because maybe she delete it. I never force her to keep.
Like the memories choking my neck.
I only asked from God to give me strength facing tommorow, the future, road ahead. It’s not easy to fall in Love like most people say. It’s like trying to draw a dream on a sleeping canvas. Putting colours on it. It’s hard…. I even pray for her happiness everyday. Hope she’s happy and really happy. I keep on SMSing everyday whishing “Good Morning dear” and “Good Nite dear” almost everyday..everyday..if i’m forget about it maybe i’m busy or sleep because of the pills that i take everyday. Make me wanna puke. But i don’t want her to be sad if i’m gone. I still alove because of her. She pray for me everyday before and i owe her my life.
“I want to live. I want to live”. I don’t wanna go there again. This time i listening to Tori Amos song “Silent All These Years”. One of my favourite singer besides Jewel Kilcher (first album only). Most of their lyrics refer to me. About my past, current, and who knows the future. I’m high on his melody while drowning in “LOVE” for her. If i’m back taking the illegal stuff again, will i be happy? If i cut my veins and let the blood flow, will i be happy and calm my spirit? I only can say “NO” and “MAYBE”. It’s the supidiest thought passing my head almost everyday. I need a therapist or shrink.
Maybe i should keep listening Tori Amos for time being. It’s trippy. Oh, i so unstable…can change a mood less than 10 minutes. The cats meow at my feet staring me with her blue eyes. Wait a minute, i don’t have cat.. Good nite dear and everyone.
Download (p/s i’m shivering now because of the cat that unknown to me)