Life Got You Down?
If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are some suggestion on how to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty free suicide methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible.
Don’t be boring and just take sleeping pills, go out with style and flare. All these methods require some planning but don’t let that dissuade you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you’re killing yourself. Why not leave a legacy? But please, all these only being blog for fun and entertainment purposes only. Don’t simply follow my words by using these methods given. Remember, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and everyone of us deserve it. But, if you still wanna do this, go ahead and make sure write a suicide note with some words that you’ll never charge me on teaching you on how to commit suicide.
Eat a tub full of beans:
Manliness:8 Style:4 Awesomeness:8 Mess:5
What you need: a tub, enough beans to fill said tub.
How to do it: just dig in, you chunky son of a bitch! Keep eating until you can’t possibly eat anymore, then eat some more. Your gut will rupture and you will shit yourself. The cool thing about this method is that it’s not only disgusting to clean up, but you’ll probably be so bloated from the beans (choose Van Camp’s by the way, not Bush’s baked beans unless you like the taste of beans pickled in ball sweat) that you probably won’t fit in the casket without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who’s footing the bill for that one? That’s right: friends and family. Just kidding. You have no friends.
Manliness:9 Style:4 Awesomeness:4 Mess:0
What you need: hands.
How to do it: strangling yourself with your own hands has long been thought impossible because when your body stops getting enough oxygen, you pass out and start breathing normally again. Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing. You’re the one who has to deal with the embarrassment of having the paramedics finding your dumb ass passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own drool, as they begrudgingly take you to the hospital where the doctors would be so disappointed that one of them might try to strangle you themselves. And if they don’t, give me a call; I will. Even the late Vincent Price strangled himself to death. Either that or lung cancer, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. Eat shit.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
What you need: balls.
How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.
Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed.
Manliness:5 Style:2 Awesomeness:8 Mess:7
How to do it: how many times have you tried to kill yourself with a razor blade by slashing up your wrists, only to be told “it’s down the highway, not across the street”? Then you listen to this advice and cut up your arms like some amateur dipshit who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Your boyfriend dumped you. You can’t go on because you’re the only person who has ever been dumped and this is the most painful thing that has happened to anyone who has lived 14 consecutive years, so it’s time for the solace only decapitation can bring you. Make sure to go all the way through the spinal column.
Manliness:9 Style:8 Awesomeness:12 Mess:8
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness:10 Style:3 Awesomeness:10 Mess:4
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it’s also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn’t find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no “still friends” bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker’s ass:
Manliness:0 Style:1 Awesomeness:1 Mess:10
What you need: a hooker, 0.75 cents
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her “ass buffet.” If she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, punch her. If she does know what you’re talking about, she shouldn’t charge you more than 0.75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it’s not sex (unless you’re gay, but I’m not sure if it counts if it’s a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you’ve done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it’s something strong like turpentine, because you’ll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don’t always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don’t get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can’t afford not to kill yourself!
That’s it for now. Just remember: it’s your suicide, have fun with it.